The Viz Book of Crap Jokes: A Pitiful Array of Poor Quality Jokes from the pages of Viz

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Hugo Hall - He Makes Things Small - A strip about a kid who discovered a unique shrinking device with which he was able to reduce objects in size. Crypto Nige – A man who tries to get his uninterested friends and family to invest in cryptocurrency, only to end up losing all his money. Large-Breasted Wet T-shirt Pneumatic Drill Girl – A masked superheroine, dressed for a wet T-shirt contest, who works at the roadside with a pneumatic drill and fights crime. Bailey’s show contains explicit sexual material but again it’s all about context: the same jokes told by Roy Chubby Brown or the late Bernard Manning would sound aggressive, whereas Bailey’s ejaculations are far easier to swallow.

The Modern Parents – and their long-suffering children, Tarquin and Guinevere. The two, Malcolm and Cressida, are middle-class, left-wing, self-absorbed and sanctimonious, often waxing lyrical about issues such as environmentalism. Their two sons, Tarquin and Guinevere (who was given a girls' name as his parents did not want to conform to gender stereotypes) are more down-to-earth, with Tarquin often, usually unsuccessfully, trying to reason with his parents. Every Thursday I would drive down to Newcastle as part of my area and found that nearly all the music outlets there were selling this new comic called Viz. Calvin and the Chipmunks – A rip-off of a very famous chipmunk trio strip featuring John Calvin and some mischievous chipmunks who get him into trouble with King Henry VIII. I have a lot of growing up to do. I realised that the other day inside my fort.” – Zach GalifianakisEach Viz episode begins with Luvvie "resting between jobs" - a showbiz term for being out of work. His manager Louie is as useless as himself, drives (very badly) in a big American car, smokes a huge cigar, and drinks from a bottle marked "Eau de Tap" (pig French for "Tap Water") - obviously unable to afford anything stronger. Darling is in his forties, dresses in a Hamlet-style period costume with embroidered tunic, frilled collar and cuffs, high boots and short ornamental cape. He has an Errol Flynn moustache and pointed goatee beard to offset his receding hairline. His appearance is based on stereotypical images of Shakespeare. Darling auditions constantly for roles which are often completely unsuited to him. In one strip a director casting for Romeo and Juliet was hard-put to convince Luvvie that the role of Romeo required a man half his age. If I ever win the lottery Im giving all my money to charity If shes not dancing that night Im giving it all to Destiny

Mrs Clean – a woman obsessed with having a clean house. In most strips she ends up killing or mutilating her children to keep them from making a mess in the house (e.g. stuffing and mounting them; or flaying them alive after hearing that dust mites live in skin particles). This strip appeared in several other comics around the same time.John Logie Baird – A strip about the Scottish inventor who makes a machine that spouts out faeces. His rival from next door, the Italian inventor known as Guglieimo Marconi, is envious, so tries to outdo the Scottish inventor by making a machine that spouts out testicles. The strip ends with the two surprised by the English inventor Tim Berners-Lee and his machine that spouts out male and female reproductive systems. We should remember the tremendous contribution of the Queen Mother to the war effort: as the BBC pointed out, she "bravely remained in London beside her husband" during the war. This contrasts sharply with the actions of my grandfather who, on the declaration of war immediately left his wife and children and p*ssed off, first to France, then North Africa, Italy, France (again) and finally Germany. The shame will always be with us. Most of my life is spent avoiding conflict. I hardly ever visit Syria.” – Alex Horne (Photo: Pexels.com)

An old married couple wins 10 million dollars from the lottery. "What shall we do with all these letters begging for money?" the woman asks her husband.To celebrate its birthday, here we present a few of its tongue-in-cheek top tips for solving life's little problems and turning things to your advantage. Ever wondered how to get free grapes at the supermarket - or avoid having to buy your girl a birthday present? SINGLE MEN: Convince people you have a girlfriend by standing outside Topshop with bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside. Billy Bumble Beard – A man who has a beard of bees, who consequently cannot attract ladies. The one lady he finally got off with was Marjorie Wasp-Fanny, but ended up with a large bandage on his private area for obvious reasons.